Generational Trauma & Motherhood, Lesson 3:

Lesson #3 Understand that you play a part in the generational curse.

Don’t play as if you don’t know how you enable the dysfunction in your family.

Are you a hot head with a running mouth too? Do you ice people out when they’ve done something you don’t approve? Are you drinking every weekend to forget the troubles of the week that passed or to cope with the week to come?

Mothers must recognize that their roles in the family dynamic is impactful. We must learn how to equally lean into to those roles and, more importantly, detach ourselves momentarily to observe how our contribution to the dysfunction also keeps us stuck in the toxic cycle.

When we stay silent, we enable.

When we try to solve others’ problems, we enable.

When we avoid accountability, we enable.

Reflect on the last time you experienced a family member’s unhealthy behavior. How did you respond?

When you say to yourself, “Damn I wish I could’ve _______ instead,” what is in that blank? What behavior patterns do you engage in that allow the generational trauma to continue?

Here are some ways we perpetuate the curse:

1.       Reacting instead of responding.  The difference between a reaction and a response is choice.  When we react, we are acting out of learned impulsivity. However, when we respond, we choose what we say and what our course of action is. 

For example, if your child talks back to you with disrespect you might immediately become defensive or punitive. Maybe your parents did the same to you by scolding or slapping you to put you in your place.  But what if your child was merely setting an appropriate boundary with you?

 If you take a moment to evaluate your choices and choose a different response, you could reflect back to your child the hurt you feel and ask a follow up question to clarify what need your child is seeking to fulfill.

2.       Staying silent to keep the peace. Keeping secrets in a family, especially ones around abuse and neglect, are a learned behavior. We learn not to talk about our experiences because it may bring shame to our families. It might call in unwanted authorities such as the police or Child Protective Services.  You might even be scared that telling the truth could cause serious health problems for the older generation (think: high blood pressure and stroke from stress). However, when we stay silent about harmful behaviors, we are allowing them to continue. We lose opportunities for justice and accountability, thus perpetuating the problem.

Now that you’ve visualized how a life free of the generational curse might look like, it is time to put effort into making that dream into a reality.  Take some time to reflect on the behaviors you engage in that enable the unhealthy behaviors to continue.

What do they look like? Where did you learn them? What is the biggest risk to you if you start to show up differently in your family? What could be the greatest reward?

Hold yourself, sis. There is so much light ahead <3 eLLe